Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The most effective part of bringing my laptop to the coffee shop so I can "work" is the "lying to myself."

   ***WARNING*** The National Weather Service has issued a Falling Bird Warning for Chicago on Sunday. Falling Seahawks could be heavy at times especially around the Soldier Field area. Heavy accumulation is likely!

   When something bad happens you have three choices. You can either let it define you, let it destroy you, or you can let it strengthen you.

   while I drink my coffee, I oftentimes stare out the window and ask myself: Am I attractive enough to prostitute?

   "A man must be Big enough to admit his mistakes, Strong enough to fix them, & Smart enough to listen to me next time!"

   Life is short...Break the rules, forgive, love, laugh, and never regret anything that made you smile!

   Shopping with your husband is like hunting with the game warden!

   just spent my Saturday watching commercials on AMC interupted by 10 minutes segments of movie..

   "Doctor, I been having some trouble with my Hearing".....Can you describe the symptoms?....."Sure.. Marge has blue hair, and Homer is fat!"

   WARNING! Facebook now scans your brain through your monitor. TO BLOCK, go to your kitchen cabinet and remove the box of aluminium foil. Wrap foil around your head, stay calm & breathe through your left nostril. This is a serious problem & has been confirm

   It seems like earlier this week my horoscope would have said "A big change to be coming soon".....Who knows, maybe it did, and I was just reading the wrong one..

   So today I have to write my review for work. What's the best way to put, “I golfed over 200 rounds this last summer while you paid me to be at my office?”

   I hate grocery shopping because I'm no very good at predicting what I'm going to feel like eating in a few days.

   The object on your left is now your weapon of choice in the upcoming zombie apocalypse..... What is it?????

   girls status ((i prayed for someone like you; and I thank God, that I finally found you)) next day guys are asshols

   Went to Walmart today. Now I know why lions eat their young.

   Your boss is coming! Log off now!!

   Somebody beer me stat!

   india foxtrot yankee oscar uniform charlie alpha november uniform november delta echo romeo sierra tango alpha november delta tango hotel india sierra Charlie Oscar papa yankee alpha november delta papa alpha sierra tango echo tango oscar yankee oscar uni

   God made your butt crack up and down because if it were sideways, when you went down a slide it would sound like this bufufufufufufufuublubufubufbufbufbuf