Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   UPDATE: In the wake of Starbucks announcing a new, bigger size yesterday, McDonalds will come out with a 400-pound McNugget.

   There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.

   Whenever I see a fat white girl smoking a Newport I know a mulatto baby is on the way.

   I wish I could make it illegal for anyone to wake up before 6am.

   At a Drive-Thru I think they should ask you to let them know when your ready as opposed to what you want to order. Cuz we are never ready as soon as we drive up.

   If you don't have something nice to wear, then don't wear anything at all.

   I am soon going to realize my dream of opening a combination hardware and sporting goods store...it's name shall be..."Sport N' Wood"

   Oh please tell me you are NOT crying because I took the wrapper off your juice box straw!

   Don't make the same typo I did in a text to my girlfriend: "Having a great time wish you were her."

   Going to the mall today to sit on Cupid's lap and tell him who I want for Valentine's day.

   The cops will just throw you in the back of the squad car like they didn't even hear you call shotgun.

   Impossible is just a fancy way of saying, "No on else has figured out a way to do this yet."

   just cause they make size 16 daisy dukes, doesn't mean you should wear size 16 daisy dukes.

   I hate when I fall into the trap of acting like I know something and then get asked follow-up questions.

   Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.

   I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

   So, you say it was a long day huh? Well I bet it was 24 hrs long just like everybody elses!

   3 main causes of war: Greed, Racism, Religion. I'll stay away from each.

   Anyone remember when MTV was "white"?

   On this day thirty years ago.. Mtv still played music videos.