Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think the grammatically correct way to describe my current Christmas disposition would have to be "present tense".

   The Co-op ran of out of milk again because of the bad weather. Thankfully Doreen, my 92 yr old neighbour, has loads of it piled up at her front door.

   BBC NEWS: Government plans to ban all Internet porn. On an unrelated note, does anyone want to buy a laptop?

   You think you've got problems? I dropped my cocaine in the snow this morning.

   I was sorting out my loose change when I dropped a 1p coin and saw it roll into a drain, which everyone around me thought was hilarious. Laughing at my ex-pence.

   Last night I tried to go out for an Italian meal, but there was a large, fat lady standing in the doorway. I couldn't get pasta.

   Only Till Facebook came Along Did We Realize How Much We All Like.

   just spent an hour at Walmart and I no longer believe in evolution.

   Save the stamp. I see enough pictures of your kids on facebook. #MerryChristmas.

   got bored with the eclipse and watched Lord of the G-strings instead.

   nickname is shower,turn me on & I will make you very wet

   Takes 600 photos, chooses the most flattering photo of myself, and then goes through grueling editing before uploading a new profile picture. Then make it seem like it was a random upload, I'm sneaky like that

   despite the clouds... last night's Eclipse was way better than the Twilight movie...

   Let's hope this Eclipse tonight is better than the last Twilight movie....

   The weather outside is frightful! Hot sex is so delightful,theres nobody else you know, text a ho,text a ho,text a ho

   One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister." Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

   tried to mail you something cute for christmas but the postoffice took the stamp off my butt and asked me to leave...

   told my son today, "I believe every single word you say. It's when you put them together to form a sentence that I have an issue!"

   I be the same people that brag about how nice and warm it is where they are right now are the same people that were spoiled brats when they were kids.

   Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist? A: By becoming a ventriloquist!