Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked Santa for Natalie Portman for Christmas. He said "No, you'll shoot her eye out".

   (phone vibrates) *runs across room* *jumps over couch* *fights off ninja* *grabs phone* "damn, I thought you were some else!"

   friends are like boobs...some are real, some are fake...sometimes its hard to tell the real ones from the fake ones

   Why Yes Officer...I did see the Speed Limit sign...I just didn't see YOUR car!

   A man gets on a plane with 6 kids. The flight attendant asks, "Are these your kids?" The man replies, " no, I work for Trojan and these are customer complaints!"

   Why is it of the few times I actually turn my TV on I'm subjected to seeing one of these stupid Geico commercials? The talking Gecko is not funny or cute. Newsflash Geico, your uncreative pointless commercials blow ass.

   a licensed kamasutrist

   Found an industrial size combo pack of Mop-N-Glo and Mr. Clean for my wife for Christmas.

   When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them, 'I have it at home in my spare wallet

   Just got a job helping a one arm typist do capital letters. It's shift work.

   D.A.R.E. ... Drugs Are Really Expensive...

   Fake friends are like shadows, always near you at your brightest moments, but nowhere to be seen at your darkest hours.

   I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone says something stupid to me.

   I love when people cut me off because they're in a rush, then I pull up next to them at the same red light.

   "Sexy" means I want you. "Pretty" means I like you. "Beautiful" means I love you. "Gorgeous" means all of the above

   I didn't trip, I just attacked the floor with my mad ninja skills.

   Dear Ex, I don't hate you, I'm just disappointed you turned into everything you said you'd never be.

   I'm just thankful we don't have a sixth sense that allows us to taste everything we look at.

   Rejection doesn't hurt, expectation does. Lie doesn't kill, denial does. "Forget" doesn't heal, "forgive" does.

   No matter how old you are, an empty Christmas wrapping paper tube is still a light saber.