Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5312 of 6446

I cheered for the Bears, they lost. I cheered for the Jets, they lost. I'm going to start cheering for al-Qaeda.
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01-24-2011 17:01 by Kevin
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I sat down next to my wife and said, "You look so cute when you're concentrating." My wife said, "Will you f-ck off while I'm trying to take a sh*t."
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01-24-2011 16:32
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I like being single. I'm always there when I need me.

Any man who laughs at women's clothes has never paid the bill for them.

When someone says to me "I know what you're thinking," I'm so happy, because I have no idea.
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01-24-2011 16:13
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I didn't sleep that well last night, there must have been a pea under my mattress.

Nothing makes crazy people happier than having a microphone.

Prank: Get car chalk and write "Just Married" on every car in a Walmart parking lot.

Sometimes I think Facebook is trying to insult me by some of its friend suggestions.

I love it when people call me at 3 AM. "Hey, are you asleep?" "No, I'm skydiving."
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01-24-2011 16:05
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Breaking news Arizona shooting suspect pleads not guilty...If he's not guilty, O.J don't wear gloves.
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01-24-2011 16:03
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Today's status is brought to you by the letters ~I.. H*A*T*E..M*O*N*D*A*Y*S.. and the numbers ~ 24/7 ~
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01-24-2011 15:58
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If I ever open a knife factory, I'd employ nothing but EMO kids...I'd never have to worry about them reporting an on-the-job injury....
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01-24-2011 15:16 by M.A.C.
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Mike Vick kills two dogs, goes to prison for 18 months. Ben Roethlisberger rapes two women, goes to the Super Bowl.. only in America..
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01-24-2011 15:00
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all of a sudden everyone is a football expert
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01-24-2011 14:59
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first Obama, then the olympics, now the Bears.....Chicago, so close to producing winners, you get everyones hopes up and then last minute....choke.....fail.

going to the Gold & Silver Pawn Shop to see how much they will give me for my DVD copy of Pawn Stars the Complete 1st Season.
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01-24-2011 14:43
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My 4 year old is going through a phase where he screams out what he is about to do before he does it. I had to explain to him that only adults on social networking sites were allowed to do that....
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01-24-2011 13:43 by scottyp
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has come to realize that my job is like an episode of "LOST". Confusing, filled with a lot of interesting characters and just when I think I have it figured out - everything changes.
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01-24-2011 13:06 by Maureen
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If you want bright eyed and bushy tailed, go chase a squirrel!
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01-24-2011 12:19 by Wolf
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