Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   RIP Jack LaLanne: Will he be buried, cremated or juiced?

   Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh? ......Just enough to break the ice. Hi, I'm Steve.

   people may not think I'm a big deal here, but in Munchkinland everybody looks up to me and I'm a huge success.

   ^ Fah-Q! v Fah-Q! and > Fah-Q! Whose next?

   I'm not saying its cold, but I just saw a saber-toothed squirrel chasing after an acorn.

   BREAKING NEWS: Cheese factory explodes---nothing left but de Brie

   Just stuck Luke Skywalker in a dead Ton Ton.

   I still can't believe I got her to do that on a first date! ;0)

   I just created ice by putting some water outside for 5 minutes. Take that MacGyver!

   if I die and Fb still exists, I grant permission to change my status to: "X is chillin with Jesus"

   I wonder if its cold? It would be great if someone would post a temperature related update so I would know.

   so rothlisberger is going back to super bowl....some advice for people of dallas...hide yo kids ..hide yo wife

   going ice fishing in my neighbor's fish tank. Yep, its that cold.

   Just put my hands in the freezer to warm them up.

   If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handling a big tool.

   If women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy

   eating a couch cushion and just found out I'm Oprah's long lost sister!

   Just watched Silence of the Lambs again.Buffalo Bill, now there was a man that was comfortable in his own skin..........and yours.

   Have to show ID at the Pharmacy to by 6 dollars of OTC cold medicine but I can go to the ABC store and buy a truckload of booze and they won't even card me. Wait a minute, does that mean I'm old. . .... . .

   I'd like to thank the person who looked at a buzzing Bee-hive and thought: "Those ba$tards are hiding something delicious in there I know it."