Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I decided to eat healthier at dinner so I'm eating two bananas.. Is it too crazy if it feels weird that they don't come with vanilla ice cream, chocolate syrup... and a side of french fries? :(

   Nobody lives forever, but especially not that homeless person I just ran over.

   we should have a way of telling ppl their breath stinks with out hurting their feelings like: "well i'm bored, lets go brush our teeth!"

   I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

   If Disneyland is supposed to be the happiest place on Earth, then explain waiting in line for 2 hrs for a 2 minute ride and the $5 sodas.

   Love,Live,Exist and be loyal. The rest is a piece of cake. You only live once so live your life right

   Today's life lesson: If you can't wow them with brilliance, Baffle them with bullshit.

   Early preview of tonight's State Of The Union speech: It sucks. We're broke. Quit bitching. Goodnight.

   I wish I could get 3 dollars plus a gallon for MY gas....I mean, it seems to be pretty high octane...........

   Women don't know what they want and change minds often. Lesson over.

   hates it when people say "plan in advance" or "plan ahead". Just say "plan"! Obviously its developed in advance and before, thats what a plan is!

   *Spoiler Alert* Tonight's State of the Union address will go as follows; There are no jobs,gas prices are outrageous, crime is on the rise, and the economy still SUCKS....THE END!

   I am doing a hook rug of Bart Simpson. I REFUSE to use black and yellow. (Pittsburgh SUCKS!) Instead I am using Brown and Orange. (Die hard BROWNS fan!) Bart is ending up looking like Snookie.

   My 2011 outlook: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   My 2010 in review: Sports, work, beer, sex and bar-b-que.

   Have you ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

   I don't need a relationship. What I need...is a friendship that will make it easy to lead into one.

   Efficiency is a highly developed form of laziness.

   Lite: the new way to spell "Light," now with 20% fewer letters!

   Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.