Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm playing the F YOU song in your presence for a reason. Subliminal message delivered.

   his wife is a good cook...she makes the best damn ice cubes he has ever had

   Thank you Facebook for reminding me of my anniversary. Please feel free to torment me with reminders of all of my other poor life decisions while you're at it....

   Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America

   sorry, but I can't "go to hell"~ my restraining order states I can't be within 100 feet of it.

   just watched 'Marley and Me'... Sad movie. I won't give it away but lets just say the sequel will just be called... 'Me'.

   My New Years Resolution is to have as much fun as I can regret

   “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain

   The new 'Huckleberry Finn' - where Jim is shackled, beaten & kept as human livestock, but nobody calls him any bad words.

   Having the best damn time I can before Monday. Can I get an Amen?!

   Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music of the internet.

   “Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak just because a baby can't chew it.” - Mark Twain

   I'm fairly certain with some BLING and a TIARA I could rule the world :)

   Okay, this Thousands of Falling Dead Bird and 2 million Dying Fish thing isn't funny anymore Steven Spielberg!!!

   Watching the college bowl games and I was thinking. If most of your players' helmets are completely covered in those stickers, maybe they're giving them away too freely. "Congratulations, you didn't s**t your pants today, here's a sticker"

   Remember when it was rude to be with one person while talking to another on the phone?Now we text with five or six other people at once while pretending to pay attention to the one person we're physically next to

   Note to self: Next time I'm sleepy or feel tired @ work...bring some habañero peppers to munch on.

   “How depressing, it's so cold and grey,” said the wife. “Well, it is January,” I replied. … then I noticed the dead elephant lying in our front room.

   Have you ever seen a Duck eat a Tiger? Watch ESPN Monday night.....

   At work today, my self-conscious colleague was getting paranoid about her weight, "I am so fat! Look at me, I am the definition of obesity!" she cried. I replied: "Don't be daft, come, grab two chairs and we'll talk about it."