Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   watched numerous horror movies without so much as a flinch, but I just crapped a brick when the toast popped up out of the toaster.

   If its any consolation, I didn't get lucky last night either.

   wondering why he must think of himself in the third-person to change his status.

   I went fishing for bottom feeders yesterday, and caught a R0unders!

   Ever have one of those days at work no matter who talks to you they sound the teacher from The Peanuts cartoons?

   Why am I still single? Because humans are not monogamous by nature.

   Im like cocaine: I'm white, highly addictive and ladies usually leave the bathroom with me on their face..

   remembers the last thing a wise man said to me was "Help! I'm drowning!" I never knew what he meant by that tho... he was so wise.

   Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.

   Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.

   Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?

   decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!

   never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of some of your Facebook friends. Eeek! Some of you are scary looking.

   On Tuesday night, I skipped seeing The President of the United States of America to see The Presidents of the United States of America. It was the right call.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, friend requests are good but who the hell are you?!?

   One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too

   you know that show to catch a predator?waiting for the episode when the cameras come out and the guy pulls a fred sanford heart attack ...

   I look at my phone every time I hear the text or ringtone sounds in commercials.

   Think's that American Idol should bring back the "Trap Door" just to make it a little more interesting. \o/

   Dear Boys wearing skinny Jeans I can't breathe! Sincerely, Your Balls