Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I went to Web MD to look up my symptoms and found out I died in my sleep. Thanks a lot Web MD!

   could really use a great snowjob right now.

   By forecasting freezing rain, the weatherman told us to have an ice day.

   I drank a spike energy drink, let's just say i'm freaking out now, my palms are sweaty, my d**k shrunk, and my mind is like an interstate

   The ladies call me Mr. Plow and I don't even have a plow.

   I give travel info in the amount of time it takes me to get there, not in miles.

   Just heard a really fat woman say she was starving and she couldn't wait for lunch. Um, no you're not and yes you can.

   thinks snowfall should be measured in school and business cancelations.

   thinking that now the Government of Egypt has banned all internet traffic, do we just call it Gypt?

   Am I the only one that thinks Gobbler's Knob sounds like a dirty movie title?

   Posting a pic of how bad the roads are while you're driving sort of makes the situation worse don't ya think?

   getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.

   wHeN yOu TyPe LiKe ThIs It GiVeS mE a HeAdAcHe AnD iT tAkEs TwIcE aS lOnG tO tYpE AnD I WaNt To ClAmP yOuR fAcE iN a GeOrGe FoReMaN gRiLl ...

   Ah...the old "saran wrap over the groundhog hole" trick. Gets'em every time!

   saw a guy give a homeless man a coffee....Great! Now he is alert and fully aware of his surroundings...the street, the alley, his shopping cart...

   "Like a good neighbor....State Farm is there......with a shovel....getting all this white crap outta my yard"

   The pity train has derailed at the intersection of “suck it up” and “move on” and has crashed into “I don't give a damn”. So sorry ….

   There are two types of people in this world, those with common sense and those who have to pee on the electric fence for themselves

   Oh the pranks I would pull if I were invisible

   If you have a mirror handy, kindly gaze into it and you will find your problem