Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know that button in the elevator with the fireman's hat on it... turns out that is not the button you push if you want a fireman's hat.

   wearing his ninja shirt today. It has ninjas all over it, but most people just think it's a blank shirt.

   Like if you thought you hit "Tab" and you typed your password at the Username tab for everyone to see!

   Kate Middleton has asked the Queen for advice on her marriage and the Queen said "Wear a seatbelt and don't piss me off."

   Bachelors know more about women than married men. If they didn't, they'd be married too.

   Men in 20's play football, men in 30's play cricket and men in their 40's play Golf. Have you noticed the older the men the smaller the balls?

   All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!

   My girlfriend is still mad at me because I called her fat last month! Well, you know what they say... Elephants never forget.

   Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened to someone else and you have the photos you can upload and tag them in on Facebook.

   How awesome would it be to buy a universal remote and stand outside your neighbors window and change the channel when they are watching soaps??

   I am a wizard with the ladies. Okay, well, I can make them disappear.

   if people were as nice to each other in real life as they were in Facebook comments, think how different the world would be.

   Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by vodka last night...

   If they made a remote control to find remote controls, I'd probably lose that too.

   My wifes sister sat on my glasses and broke them earlier,I was was so pissed of....Though to be fair it was my owne fault for leaving them on.

   What comes after 3D, scratch and sniff?

   Don't find love, let love find you. That's why it's called falling in love, because you don't force yourself to fall, you just fall.

   Chicks dig it when I stretch out before showing off my dart skills.

   Everyone's suitcases all look the same. That's why I always pack my stuff in a treasure chest.

   My greatest regret in life is not being a billionaire.