Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm never sure what to do with my eyes when I'm at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What's the proper etiquette here?

   the next time someone says "I don't know whether to laugh or cry"... kick 'em in the shins really hard so they'll know for sure.

   it's not the heat, it's the humidity thats bothering me today

   Egyptians Gone Wild

   Spell check... it's impotent

   Life Lesson number 1, There is a time each month when a man would rather face death in a 20ft snow drift than spend a day with his significant other. Thank god for 4 wheel drive

   would eat more salads if they didn't taste like vegetables.

   I'm about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings

   reminded my buddy to let his faucet drip...forgot he had gonorrhea...another awkward moment brought to you by STD's...

   Thank you music, for being there when no one else was.

   Thanks everyone for posting photos of the fresh snow. No, really I haven't seen nearly enough in person even though I was shoveling at 5am this morning.

   Just remember... If the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off!

   Faucets should really have a drip setting instead of making me take 20 minutes to try to get the handle just right in order to keep my pipes from freezing.

   mans evolution is from monkey to a man. But governments evolution is from man to a monkey. Both sad and funny

   How do you put an end to the circus?.........Go for the juggler!

   I hope all that racket in Egypt doesn't wake Imhotep again. I don't think I could take another lame Mummy movie.

   going to be wearing an armor plated vest just in case Cupid gets any ideas.

   So if gasoline is based on supply and demand and a third of the Nation has been crippled by this winter storm, doesn't it only make sense that gas goes down in price for at least a few days?

   In Punxsutawney for breakfast trying to figure out what the mystery meat next to the pancakes is?

   Maybe if tmobile spent less time on attack commercials, and more time creating phones, and providing a good signal their company would suck a little less. iPhone is still the best!