Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   look, I'm not mad that you're sleeping with my ex...I'm just wondering why you'd want to feel like you're throwing a hotdog down a hallway?

   Middle Age---When you sit at home and Saturday night and the phone rings and you really hope it's not for you...

   here is how you fix the problem in Egypt, someone get dressed like MOses and go to the president and say "let my people go" .... hey it worked before =)

   The barman says "we don't serve time travellers in here". A time traveller walks into a bar.

   celebrating black history month by wearing all cotton clothes

   -19 degrees tonight…I'd hate to be a sweaty stripper…

   Always suspicious of a mitten wave....

   with all the snow and ice; there is no traffic so everyone head outside and just stand in the street...start shakin it to poker face and flash dance!

   Used kids toothpaste for the first time in like 20+ years.............. Taste freakin AWESOME!!!!!!!!

   Though I know it doesn't work, I always try and shoot that laughing dog in Duck Hunt.

   Zombies with afros are attacking my monkey!

   introducing the latest game from Zynga.....SNOWVILLE..... make coins as Mr. Plow.....purchase snow shovels and snow throwers to do jobs...do "special jobs" clearing driveways for the elderly couple down the street as you ask friends for help.... and be ca

   Will it ever stop; Yo, I don't know, turned out the lights, and there's snow

   somebody please reassure me that i'm not the only one not happy with the way talent and fame are becoming inversely proportional.

   I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait."---Hedberg Classic :)

   the weather forecast sounds so dirty when the female meteroligists talk about all those inches!!!

   How come Mario can smash through bricks... yet he dies when he touches a freaking turtle!!!???

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus!

   Dear Weatherman, Thanks Nostradamus, but I believe the fact that I now have ovaries is a pretty good indicator of how cold it is...Tell me when I can expect the thermometer to NOT read "Fu@king Burrrr" anymore....work on that...thanks

   Girls are like police. They never believe things without evidence.