Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   having more ups and downs than a hookers panties today.

   Every day I am forced to add another name to the list of people who piss me off.

   Just learned that Pop Tarts™ are NOT the breakfast of champions....I'm devastated!

   That awkward moment when you want to buy something, check the price and sadly, leave it there.

   thinking about how to integrate the lyrics "walk like an Egyptian" into another unique status update

   what do a pizza delivery guy and male gynecologist have in common? They can SMELL it, but they can't EAT it lol

   Girls dictionary: No = Yes , Maybe = No , We need = I want , We need to talk = I wanna compalin.

   I think facebook needs an "I've seen this before, but I still like it" button....

   playing a game of Hungry Hungry Typos.

   if you forget Valentine's Day and your lady gets angry just tell her you were waiting for Presidents Day to combine the two into one special evening.

   I'm having an anti-valentines party in my pants for all the single ladies.

   my headache is gone! She finally went home!!

   L.I.F.E. = L.ive I.t F.ully E.veryday

   I dont hate you!! .............I hate your parents for having you.

   celebrating black history month by watching re-runs of THE FIRST 48....

   thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard and I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it... I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log.

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all.

   My fat friends all want to go to dinner and my skinny friends all want to go to yoga.

   so lazy that sometimes I just sit around staring at something I want that is across the room from the couch (okay, on the coffee table) and wish I had go-go gadget arms.