Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thought I saw a woodchuck far out in my yard and I wanted to take a cool picture of it so I slowly crept closer and closer to it... I spent half an hour sneaking up on a log.

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all.

   My fat friends all want to go to dinner and my skinny friends all want to go to yoga.

   so lazy that sometimes I just sit around staring at something I want that is across the room from the couch (okay, on the coffee table) and wish I had go-go gadget arms.

   at taco bell eating 30% beef and 70% surprise

   hates the KKK as much as anyone... but it is kinda neat that they introduced "hoodies" to American fashion.

   " why is there no edit option on facebook" .. like the whole world never makes a typo ?

   I think I have a problem. I'm checking myself into rehab. If anyone needs me, I'll be at Charlie Sheen's house.

   It's February. Think now may be a good time to take down your freakin' Christmas lights? Hmm?

   So I'm looking at a prescription medicine bottle and the directions say, "Take 1 Tablet Orally Every Day." My question is, "Who was the dumbass that stuck the tablet up his butt?"

   texting Buffy her next victim...EDWARD

   I'm your friend, and that's why I think I should tell you that your hair, in your new profile pic, says sexual predator all over it…

   Sarah Palin has filed to have her name trademarked and will eventually become Sarah Palin ®. That is, unless she quits halfway through the paperwork.

   watching Lifetime with my wife so that later she won't be watching the game with me.

   Johnny takes leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July, puts them in an ant bed and blows them up…Good old Days - Ants die… Present - ATF, Homeland Security, and the FBI are all called. Johnny is charged with domestic terrorism...WTF...

   There should be a 5 second rule when girls start to cry where you can take what you just said back.

   Who uses 1800FLOWERS? ....seems like overkill...a card and a dozen would probably work...

   Disatisfied with the automatic submission system, I manually submitted you to the afterlife, ending your suffering and mine.

   I'm going to write a WalMart How to Guide, it will ask questions like 1. Does this shirt make me look like a broken can of Pillsbury biscuits? 2 It's 13 degrees out, should I really wear a long sleeve T, shorts and flip flops?