Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If my girlfriend had a little plasma on her forehead with a football game on, I'd always give her my undivided attention.

   Don't laugh in the bathroom because it will make people think that your playing with yourself..

   I get on the elevator at my hotel in Vegas and there is a girl in a wedding dress, she had just gotten married. She says to her friend "I can't wait to get changed". Old guy on elevator immediately says "Change into what, a b!tch?"

   Sometimes I think NASA is making shit up just to see if anyone's listening.

   I ate jalapeno's yesterday on my nacho's and I now know the what the "burning ring of fire" was all about....

   Facebook Commandment III: Thou shall not set thy profile pic as some hot celebrity even if thou looketh like an ugly mongoose

   why do you fear & hate someone who apparently is a lazy pig? Is it because you live in a whole and wipe your ass with your hand while that lazy pig has a house and understands cleanliness & hygiene? Hmmm? Perhaps.

   I would like to take this moment of silence for the black eyed peas career.... (grunting.... plop.... flush)

   People are often worried about the mafia, but I think it's Justin Beiber we should be worried about. Get on Beibers bad side and he can send tens of thousends of angry young girls over to your house to totally kick your butt! Beib's the new John Gotti.

   Why does every wireless provider say that they have the best, fastest, most covered 4G network? Someone's lying.

   When I really like a girl, I take her home to meet my parents so she understands why I can never get married.

   Watching Cameron Diaz feeding A-Rod popcorn at the superbowl made me wish I was blind.

   I put my Xbox Achievments on College Applications. I got accepted to Princeton

   Working out sucks...maybe I'll just spring for liposuction and 639 muscle implants.

   alot of people believe they came from monkeys...im not going to argue with them.

   So I know it was kind of wicked of me to make chocolate chip cookies when you are on a diet, but I licked them all when they came out of the oven so you wouldn't be tempted.

   at home snorting Dorito dust.

   It's amazing how quickly I can convince myself that I didn't need to do today the things I needed to do today.

   If I ever mess anything up I am just gonna say, "It's not like I sung the national anthem wrong in front of the whole world or something."

   Ten bucks says Slash has no idea where he is.