Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   thinks sometimes it's fun to ask someone how they are but then before they can respond say, "Anyway" and change the subject.

   Alright look...I'll be honest, those pants make your ass look like your inner child grew up, and decided to invite some friends over...

   I was locked out of my girlfriend's house last night, so I decided to smash her back doors in. Good way to kill the time whilst we waited for the locksmith.

   the orginal Peanut Butter Twix was so much better than the newer PB Twix.

   Hmmmm. Egypt's people protested and forced their president to resign...what's everyone doing this weekend?

   I hate you cheetos . You ruined all my good jeans .

    Egyptian Pres. Mubarak finaly steps down. I think he was in denial--which coincidentally is where his body will be found if he doesn't move far far away..

   Do you think it's OK to cross out the word LOVE on a Valentines card and replace it with "WANNA F&@K"?

   I believe the children are our future... and after my last trip to Wal-Mart... I believe our future looks bleak...

   Do those Jehovah Witness guys on the bicycles ride south for the winter? Hadn't seen them in awhile.

   Strategies' are like women…some come quickly…some take some work…and some can have multiple outcomes…However, sometimes it is best to take matters into your own hands…

   Microsoft and Nokia teamed up to start developing smart phones. Isn't Nokia still making brick cell phones with snake on them?

   wants a Phd in Sarcasm !!

   After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy. Nothing

   My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 5 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak

   you dont pay her for sex, you pay her to leave after you are done

   No education/common sense + a little success/money = Broke in a few years.

   Every time someone uses "your" instead of "you're" on Facebook, an angel punches a kitten in the face.

   when judging someone for falling down remember someday you may need them to help you up.

   The only 3 words I'm expecting to hear this Valentines Day are.... "Your perscription's ready..."