Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I asked the lady at the bookstore, "Where is the self-help section?" She said telling me would defeat the purpose.

   The key to a happy life is to turn as much alcohol into urine as you can

   ‎1st Lady Gaga went to the VMA's dressed in meat, then she went to the Grammy's in an egg! 2 more Red Carpets & she'll be a "Grand Slam" @ Denny's!!!

   it just me...or does Muammar Gaddafi looked like Mickey Rourke?

   Happy Unimaginative, Consumerist-Oriented, and Entirely Arbitrary, Manipulative and Shallow Interpretation of Romance Day

   Roses are red, violets are blue, GET IN THE BACK OF THE VAN!

   you make me feel like I can touch the planets, you want the moon girl, watch me grab it!

   $100 - Roses, $50 - Dinner, $75 - Hotel, Knowing I saved that money this year - Priceless

   I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant

   last Valentine's Day I was f**king stupid, but this year she's f**king somebody else!

   Watson, the super computer, on Jepordy! What's next, Johhny No. 5 on "The Dating Game"?

   if by Jareds you mean Wal-Mart, then yes I got it at Jareds

   If tonight goes just as planned for most people, we should see a lot of new babies in November

   Today is a special day in the rite of spring. It speaks of rejuvenated love and a reminder of things that are sweet. Happy Pitchers and Catchers Report day!

   For Valentine's day, my husband didn't go to Jared. He went to work. I think that the steady paycheck says "I love you" much better than a shiny rock could.

   Today may be Valentines day, but men will get their revenge in exactly one month....March 14th, look it up.

   Pizza will you be my valentine?

   First Lady Gaga shows up at the VMAs covered in meat. Then arrives at the Grammys in an egg. She's only about two red carpets away from being a Denny's Grand Slam.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, sandwiches are tasty, rhyming is hard

   That today a small kid dressed in diapers with a bow and arrow came knocking on my door and I turned the hose on him.... come to think about it I might be confusing Halloween with Valentine's Day!