Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dont smoke...there are cooler ways to die.

   so far, this is the oldest I've ever been

   Saw a guy return a wedding set at Walmart today and get his $36 back. I'm guessing her answer was, "No."

   The hardest part of driving to me is putting on my seatbelt. I just cant seem to find the time to take 3 seconds out of a 20 minute drive to buckle up. Its sad really

   Whenever I meet a girl I always greet her with my left hand...I dont want her to meet the competition

   checked in at Charlie Sheen's Bungalow

   So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear....its the fat that does that." So now I'm single again.

   After spending millions in research scientist still do not know exactly how long a cotton picking minute is.

   Be nice to your neighbors. They're the only ones who'll know the difference between your good scream and your bad scream

   stuck between a rock and someone I want to hit with it.

   how can I be so thirsty when I drank so much last night...????

   Weather Update. Cold with a chance of Nipples

   come on people driving is just like coloring, just stay inside the lines...

   If I'm ever on life support, pull the plug and plug it back in. See if that works.

   The other day someone was telling me that they make ice cubes out of left over wine. I was confused. What's left over wine?

   Oh Dark Goddess Caffeina who is known by many names, bless me this day and give me the energy to get all things done that are needed.

   Most awkward place on earth: An elevator. 5 strangers. Silence. A bad smell.

   If lifes a B*tch, Then Why Hasnt It made Me a Sandwhich?

   Quick to the point, to the point no faking I'm cooking MCs like a pound of bacon

   Bieber got a brit award. This makes me want to stick my genitals in a deep fat fryer...