Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   time for those homeless people with will work for food signs to grab a shovel

   I was asked today, " Jeremy, should I dye my beard and get rid of the grey hairs? Or do I look better with the greys?" So I looked this person right in the eyes and said "Aunt Shirley, you really should just shave it! You look like Chewbacca's sister!"

   wants to work for the Attitude Adjustment Bureau

   I wish my teachers graded my papers drunk.

   I put my facebook in her twitter then she was youtubing my google and I was going yahoo.

   Always remember to be yourself. Unless you suck

   Got pulled over by the cops today and he ask me if I had a police record ..... I said yes ....every breath you take and don't stand so close to me........ Now what is my lawyer phone number

   I would buy the 10 thousand dollar hair of Justin Beiber at ebay and clone it so just that I can kill his clone to pieces with my barehands!

   Just saw two people together at a restaurant and neither of them were texting anyone. Weird.

   Just to be sure, I write "That's You!" on all my mirrors

   wondering how much you would do for a klondike bar.

   You know those intense unexplained pains you get sometimes? You deserve those.

   I don't like to think of death as losing someone...i like to think of it as gaining a ghost!!

   I think I'm gonna take a hot shower. It's like a normal shower but with me in it.

   I have to stop saying "How stupid can you be?" I think people are taking it as a challenge.

   How busy can you actually be if you just took the time to change your online status to say so?

   Never be ashamed of who you are. Be ashamed of who you pretend to be.

   I THINK MY WIFE THINKS I'M TO NOSEY AND ALWAYS IN OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS. I AM SURE SHE FEELS THAT WAY BECAUSE I READ IT IN HER DIARY......

   The guy that did Super Size Me should of done it during Monopoly month.

   All of my passwords are "incorrect" so my computer always tells me if I forget.