Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she'll be awake.

   At a cemetery, looking for my name on tombstones. This is the Goth version of Googling yourself

   Okay, who put super glue in my K why Jelly Warming Sensation bottle?

   Dear MTV, I was wondering if I could get my "M" back..... you know, since you're not using it. Sincerely, _usic

   I'm up way too early for someone who wasn't planning on seizing the day.

   Life is like photography, we develop from the negatives.

   hope my wife gets her next period in a shark tank

   My life can be summed up in an overwhelming urge to wash my hands.

   With gas prices headed towards $4.00/gal, I think its time we formed an intergovernmental organization of oil consumers. We should call it the Organization of Fuel Using Countries, and tell OPEC that if they keep it up they'll be hearing from OFUC.

   My ex-wife says that she will dance on my grave. I've now arranged to be buried at sea

   Missing wife and dog. Reward for dog.

   There are only 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary and those who don't.

   Been eating thin mints like crazy and haven't lost a pound

   To file a complaint, click the x on tha top right corner of your screen!

   $60 to fill my gas tank last night. It's the apocalypse!!! I'm going to Walmart, buying me a water hose and I'm going on a siphon spree.........

   I guess it time to test my theory that Vodka (being alcohol) should kill the flu virus.......

   You'd be amazed how often I'm wrong when people say guess what.

   Hangover in progress.....please do not disturb. I think I have the >>wine flu this morning..............

   thinks "going to the gym" should mean more than just walking there and then walking home.

   I don't think I could ever be with a woman who is just like me. For one thing, she'd be way too big and hairy.