Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

   According to a new study, millennials are waiting longer to have sex. Because, unlike my generation, they have to watch a 30-second ad first.

   Dental appointment tomorrow... Before going, I like to eat taffy, oreos, & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.

   Question...Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?

   A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.

   Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots? Me neither.

   Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car

   You put your face in it and no more zits.

   Ends? You call that lunch?

   going to grasp you around you head and blow you. Dandelions are so much fun

   Marriage is very simple. The husband is king of the house and the wife obeys his every command.

   Eli's coming, hide your hocker, Eli's coming, hide your hocker.

   Worried about rising gas prices? Taco Bell and White Castle sell gas for less than $2.

   ⓘUser is suspected to be a part of an online drug dealing organisation. Please report any suspicious activity to Discord staff.

   Feels like an extrovert stuck in an introvert body

   Now accepting applications for the following limited time opening on 5/14/23 for Single Mothers on Mothers Day: - 12pm-3pm Lunch Slot $300.99 - 4pm-7pm Dinner Slot $500.99 - 9pm-12pm Evening Drinks w/Nightcap Slot $800.69 Military discounts available

   I will restart the entire song if you breathe too loud over my favorite part

   Y'all don't use paper plates. I'd use a paper pot if I could. F them dishes

   Getting old is tricky. I stepped on a golf ball in the dark and I did some parkour trying not to fall down.

   Diet day 4: If you eat the entire box of donuts, I'm pretty sure that counts as "One Serving"....