Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   come to America to study, go home and become a terrorist...cancel the student visa

   The best advice I've ever seen on a sign was: "Familty Planning Use Rear Entrance"...

   People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw orgies...

   Sky news -'US: Gaddafi 'Delusional And Unfit To Lead'That's rich, coming from a country which put George Bush in charge...

   WOW! Can you believe Justin Bieber is 17 today, seems like just yesterday she was just a little girl playing in her room with her karaoke machine. Next thing you know she'll find a nice guy and get married and start having kids of her own.

   If there's one thing I know it's God does love a good joke.

   Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke.

   By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

   There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as I learn what it is I'll get married again.

   Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

   Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

   Jesus take the wheel, I'm updating my status.

   If you watch Lord Of The Rings backwards it's about a little guy who finds a really cool ring in a volcano and spends the rest of the film walking home.

   I have a gf? Yeah so? Soccer has a goalie doesn't mean I can't score!!

   TV's highest paid actor was a crackhead... why the fu*#k am I in school?

   I went to the bookstore to buy a 'Where's Waldo' book, but couldn't find one ANYWHERE. Well played, Waldo. Well played, indeed.

   I heard smartphones play chess, but I've been at this table all day and dude won't even move his pawns.

   I miss the days when makeup wasn't meant to be noticed

   Random Dude: "Sup bro you think you could piss in this cup in that bathroom for me I gotta pass this drug test. I'll pay you $60" Me: "...ya..." That dudes screwed

   I FINALLY found a machine at the gym I like: the vending machine!