Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People who live in glass houses should not throw orgies

   May I suggest johnny walker. At least you go down in style !

   Who would in a fight between Walker, Texas Ranger and Lone Wolf McQuade?

   After pulling an all-nighter, I had the pleasure of meeting my girlfriend's mother for the very first time. She walked in on me in the bathroom...I had fallen asleep while taking a dump...

   So all men suck huh? Well After awhile, the picker needs to realize its on them for always picking out the bad apples from the orchard.

   The girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time...

   "No, ladies, you can't play with us, but you can dress like sleazy and encourage us." The guy who invented cheerleading.

   Eskimos moved in next door. Can I still call them that? I don't have to say "Arcto–Americans" or some crap, right?

   Petrichor, n. the smell of rain on dry earth

   I ate all of the Girl Scout cookies : ( Do you think Michelle Obama would mind if I buy some more??

   If I want your opinion I'll......actually forget that....I'll never want your opinion.

   i was moving with the flow of speeding traffic and got pulled over,i asked the cop "why me,everyone was speeding" cop asked "have you ever been fishing?" I said "sure". cop replies "ever catch them all".... well played Law Dog,well played

   Pin Up Boards - A good reminder to let you know you're getting old or that you have too much Sh*t going on in your life that you need to remember!!!

   Sex is the only activity where you start at the top and work your way to the bottom, while getting a raise.

   Just try ask for a cigar break at work and see the reactions you get.

   Would it kill them to put an extra 5 feet of rubber hose on the gas pumps so I dont have to look like a complete idiot whenever I pull up and my gas tank is on the wrong side

   If smokers can get smoke breaks, non smokers should get fresh air breaks.

   Why cant men and women get along? Because gentlemen and ladies became overrated and parents stopped teaching their kids manners therefore women r so needy and men r demanding.

   Sure, I'll dance with your wife so she will stop bugging you to get up and dance. But I expect a fresh beer be waiting for me upon my return from the dance floor sir.

   Nympho support group meeting, my place, 9pm.