Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   That awkward moment when someone you don't like sends you a friend request, then you decline. Then they send another one.

   word of the day: Dictate. You can use it in a sentence like "My girfriend says my dictate good"

   Women have to shave our armpits. Whose idea was that? That's a concave area with a straight razor. The best I can do is a mohawk.

   Bree Olson and company, dont go thinking you all are something special....Even Hugh Hefner went through " GODDSSES " like toilet paper...im just sayin!!!

   Even after watching the interview tonight Charlie Manson was thinking "This boy has lost his mind!"

   20/20, Piers Morgan, Howard Stern........ I think the only show Charlie Sheen hasn't been on in the past three days is Two And A Half Men!

   feeling the after b-day fb blues ...there's only 1 post from a friend on my wall..and it's farmville..

   Wondering if the next Charlie Sheens tv show will be called "Two And A Half Grams."

   tired of trying to be perfect, and has decided instead to try to just be herself, in hopes that one day, just maybe, that will be enough. Besides, everyone else is already taken.

   it me or does everyone get sick of pancakes by the time you are done eating them...

   waiting for Charlie Sheen to start jumping on the chair/couch and start going nuts like Tom Cruise did on Oprah!!!!!!

   GOING TO WIN THE 50 MILLION ON LOTTO-MAX.... AND I'm GONNA BUY FACEBOOK. THEN RETURNING IT BACK TO THE WAY IT USE TO BE..... FUN AND LESS CONFUSING AND ALLOWING ITS USERS TO CUSTOMIZE IT THE WAY THEY WANT IT!!!!!

   Somewhere out there, someone's grandma's recipe for dill bread reads "... allow dill dough to rise".

   I want to be " Bill Gates, where is that money you owe me" rich!

   When your body is sore, Exercise your mind.

   Always keep several Get Well cards on the mantel. If unexpected guests arrive, they'll think you've been sick and unable to clean.

   I can no longer "drop it like it's hot", so I "squat like it's warm".

   As the great philosopher Miley Cyrus once said "So I put my hands up they are playing my song the butterflys fly away, nodding my head like yeah, moving my hips like yeah, it's a party in the USA

   One tub of crisco... One body pillow... One box of condoms... One cashier... One wink... One awkward moment.

   Life has been so good to me that I just thought I would celebrate within myself and get ridiculously drunk tonight...