Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   would gladly volunteer his services to hang out with Charlie Sheen at the Post-Oscars party.... You know, to keep him on the straight and narrow...

   dear FB... I assure you, the people you think I may know... not only do I not know... but i'm also pretty sure I wouldn't want to

   Someone needs to do a "Leave Charlie Sheen alone!" video on You Tube like that emo tween did for Brittney.

   A blizzard in January, and a tornado in February. I didn't realize how bi polar mother nature really is.

   Wonder if Ben Affleck and the AFLAC Duck are related?

   Best part of the Oscars was The Good Morning America commercial where Charlie Sheen says "I am on a drug, it's called Charlie Sheen!"

   I told my wife the best way to get motivated to lose weight is to try on the bikini she wants to wear this summer....She told me to shut up and take it off.

   If you only walk in the day, how do you know that the night is bad? And if you walk in the night, how do you know the day is better? It is those who walk in the twilight who truly know the beauty of both. -Jenny Sands

   I was at a constuction site last week where all the contactors were Lesbians. There were no studs and everything was tongue and

   NEW GAMESHOW : I'm more socially functional then a homeschool kid.

   Hallie Berry....call me ;)

   Gotta love the commercials for medications. The side effects of the meds are usually worse than the symptoms. For example, I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms may include: hair loss, weight gain, growing an extra head, skin to disintegrate..."

   WOW!!!! Kirk Douglas looks better then Larry King.

   Ophrah needs to hang with Jennifer Hudson

   I'm not as dumb as you look!

   Well fellas another one bit the dust.......that's right he got married! Let us pray for him........................May GOD protect him, and that his wife will have mercy on his soul! And friend, I think it's time to start tweaking the whole " I, (name), a

   .My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

   Police officer says "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence against you." Your answer should always be "Please don't hit me again officer"

   I swear when LeBron James was born and the doctor spanked him he got the foul called

   Look, I know you have your "swag on" but can you walk a little bit faster?