Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Drinking doesn't make me post better Facebook status updates; it just makes me not care what you think of them...

   If you want me to go running with you, I'm going to need some motivation...Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.

   Confucious say , he who eat jelly bean, fart in living color.

   Raise your hand if you would add your boss as a Facebook friend. Now with the other hand slap yourself in the face.

   Conserve energy: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?

   FACEBOOK asks me what I'm thinking, TWITTER asks me what I'm doing, FOURSQUARE asks me where I am. Conclusion: Internet is my girlfriend!

   Wish we could be like bears, get all fat eating good food in the fall, hibernate all winter, and be all skinny for summer... Then do it all over again

   If before every major life decision, people would just say "What would Charlie Sheen do?"...The world would be so much more interesting....

   With the day I just had looking to go out tonight for a bender. The type of bender even Charlie Sheen would say "DAMN DUDE YOU BETTER SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU KILL YOURSELF"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   Confucious say man who not married not quite ready , when he get married he finished

   has come to the conclusion the more women have seen naked by accident than on purpose.

   If I die young like in the next few days I blame it on the Girl Scouts and their evil cookies.

   Busted, Disgusted, and most of all, I can't be trusted.

   not a stalker... but your couch does look good from the bushes

   women are attracted to danger... and there's nothing more dagerous than running with scissors.

   1300 should actually be like 1250 since about 50 of these pages are nothing but reposts.

   1300...yeah, that's a lot of pages. You have no idea how long it took me to go through all of them..

   I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire....

   I am not nearly as funny or entertaining in person, but I sure think I am when I have a few drinks.

   Justin Bieber takes his relationship with Selena Gomez public. I think that it is so sweet that he's pretending to like girls....