Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   snoop dog is now an active member on nickelodeon. GREAT! if my son is walkin around with a cane and a purple jump suit with a blunt hangin out his face when hes 12 i'll know why.

   Who ever said, " nothing is impossible!" never tried nailing jello to a tree.

   "What's the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?" "You can't make a vitamin..."

   With all the money Charlie Sheen makes, he should just buy CBS & rename it CharlieSheenBS! I'd watch everyday!!

   i wonder how mant people us FaceBook to establish an "Alibi"?!?!? Hmmm , off to work!!

   Sometimes I know I shouldn't......and that's exactly why I do.

   March 4th. I like tomorrows date because it's like i'm telling people what to do.

   Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there!...WITH A BOTTLE OF TEQUILA!! Crap, didn't work.

   I had to sell my halo to Cash4Gold, So I blame the economy for my attitude....

   With the fuel prices as high as they are, I'm going to be BAD this year and hope Santa brings me COAL!!!

   watched that new gay television soap series called, 'Leave it, it's Beaver!'

   ever felt you are just one good sh*t away from the perfect tummy??

   does anyone else instantly turn into a 3 year old and can't find there mouth as soon as they put on a white shirt

   When a woman says "I know what I want", you know she is lying.

   when someone posts "Just some exciting news!" Don't comment or "like". Thats what they want you to do. Just wait it out. They will post what the news is soon enough.

   If I were you, I'd get a helmet and some crayon's and call it a day..

   engaged............................................in a battle against soberism.

   Its one of those days when even fortune cookies are against me.

   A buffet is where you find out what kind of person you really are.

   Someone quoted me incorrectly on Twitter again. I *HATE* it when I get mistweeted.