Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I rather have that one in a million friend rather than a million friends-Josh Frazier-

   I think I discovered time travel...I put instant coffee in the microwave.

   What is the meanest thing you can do to a person? Take the light bulb out of the bathroom and leave the plunger in the toilet!

   Happy Pi day!!! Party at my house.. BYOC (Bring your own calculator) :D

   I demand a “That's what she said” button be added to Facebook

   Fashion tip of the day: If your thighs stop moving 30 seconds after you do, say NO to spandex.

   The world needs a hero, I'll go change my clothes..

   I walk light so I don't piss the ground off..

   ok Ladies, time to start tenderizing the meat!

   If my calculations are correct... Switching to Geico from Allstate, then transferring your policy to State Farm, only to drop them and switch to Progressive.... Auto insurance will be free!

   people will hate you, rate you, break you, and shake you. how strong you stand is what makes you.

   I have taken a vow of poverty. To annoy me...send money.

   I told a girl she drew her eyebrows on too high. She looked pretty surprised.

   I think it's hilarious people have profile pics up of them from 2 yrs ago. You do not look like that anymore, hunny. lol

   NEVER let someone know what annoys you...or you will fuel their fire...

   What's the difference between a Catholic mother and a Jewish mother? A Catholic mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill you.", a Jewish mother says "If you don't eat this, I'll kill myself.".

   My friend just broke up with his Japanese girlfriend. I told him, don't worry, there are plenty more in the sea...

   does anyone know where I am right now? Seriously...bring asprin if you do...

   In therory we gained an hour, I demand a recount!

   I don't flirt with women, I flirt with disaster.