Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil

   I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

   And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?

   Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet

   Mississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own State

   it just me or does Pink's new hair do make her look like Mo Howard?

   thinks his GPS has dyslexia....I typed in "Macy's" and it took me to the YMCA!

   Leprechauns, castles, good luck and laughter. Lullabies, dreams and love ever after. A thousand welcomes when anyone comes... That's the Irish for You!

   Happy St. Patrick's Day: May your glass be ever full. May the roof over your head be always strong. And may you be in heaven half an hour before the devil knows you're dead. Cheers

   Here's to our wives and girlfriends: May they never meet!

   What's on my mind? *insert sarcastic third party rant here*

   I have better things to waste my life on then to put up with you, like updating this status!

   be yourself...everyone else is taken

   sometimes, even the smallest apology will make me feel better; but most of the time, I think you're full of SH!T.

   Damn girl your skinny! I rolled blunts fatter then you but you've been passed around more!

   not saying that girl I was dancing with at the club was a skank,...but some Febreze and Jesus wouldn't hurt that girl at all!

   You see son, when two girls love each other very much they have this CUP…

   The UN is just another organization who likes to bang their fists and holler about human rights and enjoy seeing their name in print.

   In light of the impending nuclear catastrophe I have two words of advice for the Japanese… Double Tap

   If you can't speak proper English and use some punctuation when writing, why the hell should I listen to you concerning matters of politics and religion? You haven't even mastered the English language, much less know what's going on in the real world.