Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   just smacked someone with a book in the face. When they started getting angry, I just told them that I Facebooked 'em.

   Google search the word "BLAP" & have a laugh!!!

   how can you tell a japanese prostitute from the others?..she is the one in the fish nets

   HPAPY ST PTARCIK'S DYA. Kiss me, I'm drunkish!

   Happy St. Patrick's Day. with that being said....i don't own any clothing or buttons or ribbons that are green...so if you pinch me....expect a punch to the throat.

   In hindsight, maybe 10 hours of being warned of a pending apocalypse was too soon to eat my family........

   Tights are the most fashionable trend ever. That was what I thought until people started wearing them with short tops, holes in the butt and a camel toe wedgie!

   Ne-yo once sang that he is so sick of love song, but why does he continues singing it??? weird...........

   I was at the park flying my kite and this random guy came up to me and said "You flying a kite?" I replied "Nah I'm fishing for birds"

   I'm devestated! My entire bank account has been wiped clean. Good thing I won that Nigerean lottery a couple of weeks ago!

   Johnny,if you have 13 chocolate bars.Then you give 5 to Anita,4 to Krystyn n 4 to June. What'll you have? Johnny: 3 new girl friends

   Why is it that the seats on airplanes can be used as a floatation device? I'd feel much safer if it could be used as a parachute.

   Follow your dreams, except for that one where you're naked at work.

   that most of the status updates published here in the last 4 months has become soooo lame.. nothing creative..

   How do you get off a non-stop flight?

   Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

   BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy

   There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don't tell people everything you know

   You're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you're down there

   The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.