Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 5104 of 6446

not everything is better on weed. Most things are, not everything.
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03-29-2011 20:43
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It's a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.

The only reason why people hold onto memories is because memories are the only things that don't change when everyone else does.
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03-29-2011 19:43
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I hate when people say, "I gotta get my body right for the summer." ...like, wtf are you going to do about your face???

Funny how Facebook has turned druggies, hoes, and fakes into motivational speakers...

Drunk walking home is much more fun than drunk driving home, and much less dangerous. For instance, if you knock over something driving home, you are screwed. If you knock over something while drunk walking home, everyone cheers.

Not everyone can be a Rockstar.....some of us have to be satisfied with just being the irritating pebble in a shoe....
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03-29-2011 19:34
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why use floss when I can just squirt water through my teeth?? Sometimes the little things will just have to do until I get a robot
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03-29-2011 19:25
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Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups.

I spill things :(
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03-29-2011 18:50 by jgmitts
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I throw my telescope in the air sometimes. Sayin' AYOOO I'm Galileo.
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03-29-2011 18:33
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So I was looking at the Oregano at work and saw a cop come in and I don't know why but I hid it...

Whenever I see small children on leashes, I'm always tempted to run up, scratch their bellies, and ask “How old in human years?”
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03-29-2011 17:26 by M.A.C.
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a long term relationship with whisky though it seems complicated because i'm still having some feeling for vodka!
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03-29-2011 16:32 by Dr. MJ
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Facebook: a book with more good looking people than the real world.
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03-29-2011 16:15 by Afrique18
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Women are like cheese...They come in different shapes, colours, and with various sized holes. Mature one's have blue veins running through them....And they always go down easier with wine.

Facebook should get a B*tch Slap button, because we all know sometimes pokes just aren't enough!
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03-29-2011 14:29
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I called the geek squad and they asked"what were you doing when you caught the virus?"I say"well I wasn't reading the Bible online geek!
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03-29-2011 14:28 by rudeDOD
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I was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

Omg!! got 6 numbers on the Lotto... and the stupid machine didn't pick any of them :(
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03-29-2011 13:47 by Only me..
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