Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dilemma: do I the wash dishes, or attempt to eat cornflakes from a cup with a knife?

   you better get a condom for your heart cause i'm about to f*ck your feelings...

   NCAA Championship: are you kidding me?. More like the best 'slapstick' comedy ever!

   Made a list of all the things I still want to do while I'm alive. I put "listen to a Justin Bieber cd" straight after "Suicide". Cant wait...

   The world is gonna throw us a million reasons why this won't work out between us, but I'm armed with the one reason why it will.

   You know that chemical that gets released in our bodies after sex that makes us think we like someone, hey science can you get rid of that?

   Today I caught myself smiling... I was thinking of you... Don't flatter yourself though, it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.

   I couldn't stand to see you hurt. I would have to sit down, then I could really enjoy the show.

   It's funny how the people who know the least about you, always have the most to say.

   I just ate the chocolate off of 6 peanut butter eggs and now I have a pile of peanut butter... Yeah boyee!!!!!!!!

   There no need to miss someone from your past, there's a reason why they didn't make it to your future. 

   The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you're on.

   1 Universe, 8 Planets, 7 Continents, 809 Islands, 204 Countries, and I had the privilege of meeting you.

   You give me the kind of feeling people write novels about.

   Walk into kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote you lost 30 minutes ago

   Dance like no one's going to put it on YouTube.

   I believe that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free

   The word OK looks like a sideways person. I've said OK my whole life and never noticed him.

   That awkward moment when you chilling in a park and Bruno Mars walks by dragging the piano ;)

   I fight evil wherever it may be….except in dark, scary places.