Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   shooting Hoops. (Hoops is my neighbor's annoying dog that likes to crap on my lawn.)

   Dear Diary: Facebook has replaced you.

   I guess having a rope tied between two trees in your backyard does not mean you "own your own clothing line".

   Playing the ice cream truck song out of my car and watching all the people running around looking for ice cream.

   Those people with central air conditioning think they are sssssoooooo cool.

   thats why you get your drivers license photo taken when your drunk , that way you can tell the officer that your not drunk , you always look that way.

   Woke up with a post it note on the end of my foot saying "Gone to market"...

   making Sunday my favorite day since Rebecca Black ruined Fridays.

   My funny Facebook statuses are my contribution to society.

   I want a job naming military operations. It be great to hear a stoic general talk about how "Operation My little pony" was a success

   When life throws you a curve, downshift and take it vigorously.

   a man donates blood to his girlfriend. they break up. he says he wants his blood back. she throws a tampon at him and yells 'I'll pay you monthly!!'

   Just because you have headphones in your ears blocking external sound, does not mean your farts to not make noise.

   it's going to be cold today, Nips don't lie. - update from Shakira

   All men were not created equal, look around more often

   imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.

   When your photo is taken for your driver's license, why do they tell you to smile? If you are stopped by the police and asked for your license, are you going to be smiling?

   if you take my jokes to heart... you deserve to be offended!!

   What does Barbara Bush and Charlie Sheen have in common? They both like to blow a little dope.

   Why do they no longer offer drivers ed and sex ed in schools in Mexico? The donkey died....