Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I like to stand by the elevator doors, wait until they close, turn around and say, "I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here."

   believes saying "hi" with a big smile can brighten anyone's day - even those who give you the middle finger for cutting them off in traffic.

   watches the Dancing with the Stars each week, hoping "Johnny Lawrence" jumps on stage and sweeps Ralph Macchio's leg.

   checking out Chatroulette and all I'm seeing are a bunch of guys pointing at me - HEY WAIT A MINUTE! THAT'S NOT A FINGER!!

   thinks if you do not have enough regret in your life, try shaving your head while living in Western PA.

   believes "Law and Order" should feature the characters from Scooby Doo - well at least for one episode.

   You remind me of my Chinese friend.. Ug Lee

   Kids are looking at Google Earth...I told them when I was growing up my Google Earth consisted of a map, a push pin, and a post it note that said you are here

   wondering why Charlie seems to have lost his Sheen...

   tellin the snow to "GET OF MY LAWNN"

   forgetting about the price tag.... and hoping my dad does the same whenever he gets my credit card statement!!

   sorry I'm drunk and I posted the same status twice....oopsy!

   I never make the same mistake twice.... I make it 5 or 6 times just to make sure.

   the thing I want to be said when i'm laying in the casket is " Look he moved!"

   I had excellent grilled chicken for dinner that I'm actually enjoying the taste of my burps.

   my wife said she let a sbd go in church I said she needed new batteries for her hearing aid.

   facebook needs a facelift!

   If I don't have my budget balanced by tomorrow--I am just going to shut down...

   so gangsta I dont even use umbrellas when it rains!

   so hardcore I bought 1 newspaper and took 2! now what!