Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I said no to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

   boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!

   Computers are VERY educational devices... they teach people how to @#%$ cuss!

   God created stupid people to keep us smart ones amused.

   Food Network is like Porn...you always wanna try out what they are doing!

   it means no worries for the rest of your days. it's my problem-free philosophy. hakuna matata.

   Blanket on, too hot. Blanket off,too cold. One leg out, perfect,until the awkward moment when the demon from Paranormal Activity grabs it..

   When do you think Snooki gonna realize that she's a GRENADE?

   This morning I put Red Bull into my coffee maker instead of water and now I can see noises.

   Username or Password Incorrect” You couldn't just tell me which one?

   If this shutdown takes place, I say we get our troops home. Deploy the politicians. They're the ones getting paid, so let THEM leave their families and put their lives at risk every day. They would all be killed within 24 hours and then we can start over!

   You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

   You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

   On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

   I made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalyzer.

   i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if I failed the breathalizer.

   I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

   So I just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God I love my boobs.

   Beware the disease Idiotitis. It causes the brain to shut down and the mouth to keep talking. Thousands are affected. May be contagious. Best defense: Just slap and run.

   If Ben Roethlisberger is actually getting married tomorrow----- I see no reason why Michael Vick cant own a dog!! :P