Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

   After the 7th text, I wish someone in this house would just call the other person and get the conversation over with. Or at the very least get a less annoying ring-tone announcing your incoming text.

   Had that dream again last night where the GEICO lizard makes me hold his legs down while he does sit-ups...

   I should have a breathalyser attached to my Facebook account to stop me posting under the influence

   That awkward feeling you get when you sit down to take a dump and look to your right at the toilet paper dispenser only to see just the cardboard roll.

   "When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down "happy". They told me I didn't understand the assignment. I told them they didnâ€

   sweating like a one-legged mule in mating season.

   wondering if anyone else has noticed that the default facebook profile picture for females looks like a silhouette of darth vader

   They done studies you know, 60% of the time it works everytime.

   Sorry hun, but unlike you, I'm not a doorknob where everyone gets a turn. I'm more of a casino where only the lucky ones hit the jackpot.

   If looks could kill, mirrors would be the leading cause of death among ugly people.

   The awkward moment when you realize your whole life has been a lie this whole time

   Can we go without somebody not whining or being dramatic in a post for at least a minute?! Nope, too late.

   Since they eat brains, you have nothing to worry about if there is a Zombie Apacalypse.

   To the woman at the supermarket with seven screaming kids. I slipped a large box of condoms in your trolley when your head was turned. Remember it's a Vagina NOT a Clown Car

   going to miss Glenn Beck and his rants.. For example "Hemp Growing Marxist fornicators are conspiring with the liberal media to fill the Lincoln Memorial reflecting pool with bong water

   This world is not going to make any real progress until we stop perpetuating the belief that "paper" beats "rock."

   There's a new drinking game at my house. Every time the Democrats call Republicans "extremists" or "radicals" we have to do a shot!!!

   Unless you come from a ethnicity with a tribal history. Having a tribal tottoo just helps others point out just how stupid that your are. Yes white college boy I'm talking to you.

   Just a quick message to all the chics out there...Having over a thousand friends on facebook and 75% of them are men doesn't mean you are popular....it means your vagina is!!!