Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Why am I single? Oh, because I like to have guilt free casual sex with a variety of women.

   I just found a bag filled with cigarette butts, a used pregnancy test, and a bunch of empty PBR cans. I'm calling it "Trailer Mix."

   My Dentist says I need to be more aggressive when flossing, so I'm going to start barking.

   Monogamy and mahogany are both rare types of long-lasting wood.

   Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask what she charged to see her boobs.

   Whoever invented morning sex forgot about morning breath.

   I ran out of toilet paper, so I wiped my ass with a dryer sheet. Now my ass is soft, static free, and outdoor fresh.

   Some days I feel like the Allstate mayhem guy is following me.

   I live in South Africa & you do not find elephants on the street

   You know you're in South Africa when people talk about robots when they really mean traffic lights.

   People you may know = People I'm ignoring & already know

   going to spend her cab money on more shots and just get an ambulance home

   • Here's to our husbands and boyfriends: May they never meet!

   Every time I found something to eat in the refrigerator, I feel like I found a treasure.

   Facebook Gurls are sooo silly,U post the Sluttiest Photos of Ur self, & then you get Pissed when sum1 calls you Ugly,Cry when sum1 calls you fat,& offend By The Creepy guys friend request,grow up,& put sum cloths on

   Killing two pigs with one bird!

   While surfing for spring and summer fashions on the web, I found myself on the Victoria Secret page when my 13 year old boy-child entered the room. He made the comment, “Isn't that a site for hot girls?” To which I responded, “Go to your room.”

   Let's make the days count, not count the days.

   I'm tired of being dissed by automated restroom paper towel dispensers.

   When I grow up I want to be a kid.