Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Karma Sutra: When fate f*cks you in all sorts of creative ways.

   The hot lady across the street had a seizure on her front lawn today. Her MILF shakes brought the paramedics to the yard.

   When people ask me if I'm working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they're hurting hard or hardly hurting.

   I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help... so I hired a hitman.

   You know telling the kids that the Easter bunny is watching just doesn't have the same power as Santa's watching!!!

   Nic Cage arrested for domestic abuse. Hope the judge throws a book at him -- y'know one that has good scripts & acting tips in it!

   FYI Nic Cage, If you keep telling police to arrest you, eventually they will do it....Hope the judge throws a book at him, you know one that has good scripts & acting tips in it!

   Does anyone else look at Gadhafi and think of Carlos Santana?

   I am still sitting here completely in Awe of how Samuel L Jackson is going to be portraying Martin Luther King, Jr. I can picture it now, "I had a dream mother f*cker!"

   A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat cop if you run.

   Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.

   Ok so English petrol price is £6.72 a gallon so in Dollars $10.97 and you lot are complaining about $4.00(£2.45)???

   They say it's hard when gas prices are higher than yourGPA.....Gas prices have ALWAYS been higher than my GPA.

   I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my tree house

   Before you fall in Love with a girl with spakling eyes. Make sure It's not the sun shining through the back of her head

   - You know life is hard when gas prices are higher than your GPA.

   I just bought 4 new pairs of underwear.. Which means I can wait 4 more days until I have to do laundry again.

   The most exciting fact about life is the fact that everything you imagine happens somewhere and sometime in the universe.

   HOME ALONE! :( .... I started a fire in the kitchen by making a bowl of coco-pops (long story)....i had a panic attack so I called the fire brigade and they got mad at me because they said that the fire was only a little bit of milk on the kitchen floor..

   How many women does it take to change a light bulb? Just one, she just holds it up to the socket and waits for the world to revolve around her.