Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I am on hold. My call is important to them.

   I phoned up a big company today to complain. I said, "Can I speak to the Chairman please?" The snooty woman on the phone replied, "Actually it's ChairWOMAN." I said, "Oh, okay, in that case can I speak to the Vice Chairman please?"

   Facebook needs a "People you need to delete" list....

   The whole idea of april 20th puzzles me.. hitlers brithday? the columbine high school shootings? why celebrate tragedy? so many questions, so many questions

   Happy National Employer Random Drug Testing Day everyone!

   Nails didn't keep Christ to the cross, His love for you did. Have a Happy Easter.

   BBC NEWS: Apple sues Samsung for 'copying' . Samsung retaliate with name calling and telling the teacher.

   The older I get, the more I come to realize that I just don't care what the hell others think.

   Have you ever wondered why A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, and H are the letters used to define bra sizes? (A} Almost Boobs {B} Barely there, {C} Can't Complain! (D) Damn! (DD) Double Damn! (E) Enormous! (F) Fake. (G) Get a Reduction. (H)Help me, I've fallen

   "We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated."

   i feel like a jerk. I just laughed at a life alert commercial.

   If a stranger starts talking to you in an elevator, just say: "I don't want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you" that'll shut 'em up.

   I didn't eat your magic mushrooms, the talking purple unicorn did!

   Evil enters like a splinter and spreads like herpes...

   Why does a woman have two sets of lips? One to argue with and the other to apologize

   my mom said "i don't wanna fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

   I've got curtains that couldn't pass a drug test.

   man says to wife "what would you do if I won the lottery"wife replies "take half and leave your ass"husband replies "good,i won 12 dollars here is 6 now get the hell out

   would rather have a cure for the common hangover than the common cold.

   with great power,come's a great electric bill.