Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone say's "Let's do lunch", what they mean is "I don't care if I ever see your sorry azz again."

   If I get one more Farmville notification I'm going to strap my farmer with a flamethrower and start to decorate your farm.

   wish I could Google anything. I`d search "WHERE THE HELL IS MY IPOD?" and it would be like "UNDER THE COUCH YOU DUMBASS"

   eating alphabet soup and my spoon spells 'HOT'. Not sure if I should take that as a warning or a compliment.

   NOTE TO MYSELF: "The security code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card."

   having you ever eaten an apple with a worm in it? well buy an iphone and you will feel like that.

   Do you know why rednecks like to "do it" doggy style? So they can both watch NASCAR.

   What did the duck say to the prostitute? "Put it on my bill"

   How do you make a hormone? Don't pay her.

   I can so admit when I'm wrong! And when that time comes, I will do just that.

   dancing my cares away...down at Fraggle Rock!

   I hate it when people complain someone posted the outcome of a sports event because they recorded it to watch later. If you don't want to know the score, then stay off the internet!!

   I returned an online purchase and the form said for your security, please use Fedex, UPS, USPS, DHL or Parcel Post. Exactly what other options do they think I'm considering: Horse? Catapult? Tooth Fairy? Santa?

   Hello drama... I didn't see you come in.... this party is by invitation only and I don't see your name on the guest list.... I'm gonna have to ask you to please exit quietly

   Whenever I call a Jewish friend and they don't answer... I worry Mel Gibson has killed and eaten them.

   If it wasn't for bad luck, I would have good luck.

   My buddy told me he really screwed up with his wife and she told him he had better have something in the garage in 24 hours that goes from 0 to 200 in 5 seconds......I told him to get her a scale

   You would think NBA players would get better chairs to sit in during the game.

   Spinning my mouse wheel because that's how I scroll

   Wouldn't it be great if elevators replaced all their buttons with a single Surprise Me button?