Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Was filling up my vehicle and started yelling "FIRE! FIRE!". The attendant came running out to help, "there's no fire". "I know...but I read somewhere that no one comes to help when you're being raped"

   Just because you poked me doesn't mean I'm going to poke you back. I've seen first hand what poking leads to and I can't afford 18yrs of child support right now.

   ♥ True love doesn't have a happy ending. It has NO ending ♥

   Mistakes make you think. They make you realize that sometimes there are no next times, no time outs and no second chances.

   People say best friends are hard to find. That's because the best one's already mine.

   Marriage: finding that special someone you want to annoy the rest of your life

   Have you noticed in movies they ask someone wearing a mask "who are you?"

   When you poke someone on facebook, where exactly are you supposed to be poking them ?

   Driving down the road I saw a person hitch hiking, the sign read "Heaven Bound". Me being the good person I am, I hit that person, I hope they made it!

   What prescription was Peter on that caused cotton tail? I've had cotton mouth, but can't even imagine having a parched behind. Poor Peter.

   If the bank wanted the security picture on the front of my debit card to be accurate for my account, they would've let me frown.

   Its times like these that makes me wish I had that BUDWEISER app for my Iphone

   It would have been a more believable story if Jesus had died on a Monday and then rose again on a Saturday, just like I do every week.

   If they weren't meant to be used to get attention, God would've put boobs in a different place.

   I have a truck, shovel and a map, I dare you to keep pissing me off.

   Lady Gaga and Marilyn Manson should get hitched... Just sayin.

   So 'Lol' has become the new , 'Yep I have nothing to say'

   What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

   If the Easter Bunny leaves you Jelly Beans, don't eat the brown ones.

   Ok let me see if I have this straight. When counting calories, if you forget to write them down, you don't have to count them, right?