Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   im two short of a three sum. wheres ben&jerry?

   i dont get it? if pandas eat bamboo all the time why are they so fat???

   Wanna feel confident and attractive? Me too! Let's all get drunk!

   I think McGlovin and Obama got their ID at the same place

   The republican party are "carnival barkers"

   What kind of president would Donald Trump be? A combination of George Bush, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, and Bernie Madoff.

   Money talks...but all mine ever says is "good-bye."

   Does time fly when you're having sex or was it really just one minute?

   save a tree...eat a beaver

   OMG! Got an invite to The Royal Wedding! YES! Wait, oh crap, it's for the wedding of Ted and Nancy Royal in Columbus, OH.

   I'm not only a workaholic, I drink at home too.

   Dear CocaCola, McDonalds, and other massive companies, unless you have a new product for me, stop showing me commercials. I didn't forget about you. I have never stood at a vending machine and thought, what's that thing in the red can? I promise.

   It may take a village to raise a child. But it only takes one condom to save them the hassle.

   FACT: If you don't own a suit, you get to stay in your twenties forever.

   It does not matter if you fall down as long as you pick up something from the floor while you get up.

   The two big events seem to be the Royal Wedding, and the NFL draft, Why not combine the two and see What postion does William take Kate in the First Round!!

   Have they invented a cure for morning people yet?

   In honor of those who would if they could… I'm going back to bed.

   I can confidently say I'm 150 pounds of solid sexy. Plus 40-50 of squishy stuff.

   Right now, millions of people are mourning the fact that their President was born in this country.