Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   doesn't care what Richard Gere thinks, a gerbil should not be used as a sex toy.

   Now that Osama is dead we can focus on more important things like why has anyone made a new Ernest movie..

   Do you remember Sit and Spin? No, not the toy... your early drinking days.

   pretty sure Osama was armed.... Pretty sure he had to freakin legs too.

   putting the fun back in funeral

   Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet.

   I always thought saying "What crawled up your butt and died" was funny, until the day I met a man with a story about a weasel...

   How is it that Obama can send a team into another country, kill a man, dump the body in the ocean then go on TV and tell the World about it and everyone cheers...but, if I punch some jerk in the face, I'll go to jail...

   The girl with a future avoids a man with a past.

   It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

   I'm not single. I'm in a long standing relationship with fun and freedom.

   Ok, I am still holding onto five jars of mayonnaise. What the heck do I do with them??

   At night, I secretly delete people on your page while you are asleep that might be potential flirters. You call it insecurity, but I call it job security…you're welcome!

   Turning on my computer reminds me of the days when you would have to wait for the tubes to warm up on the TV.

   If you are dreaming of being on the same level with me, you better wake up and apologize!

   Its taken me 20 some odd years to figure out who was the favorite child, until I went to my moms basement last week and found a box labled Sean's bath toys- It was a radio and toaster..

   I miss the good old days when rock stars abused drugs and alchohol. Now they abuse auto-tune and Photoshop.

   That awkward moment, when you wave to someone and it turns out they were waving to the person behind you.

   Armored dog aided Navy SEALs. Somehow, “good dog” doesn't seem enough.

   When you confront your Man, don't make him feel interrogated. Remember, you could win the argument and still lose the Man.