Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Obama killed Osama and WE'RE getting the 72 versions.

   pretty sure there's a lot more to life than being really, really, ridiculously good looking...And I plan on finding out what that is.

   Fortune Cookie: "Your life will be happy and peaceful." Dear Cookie, What drugs are you on, we should share

   I am steaming the widows with my iron and writing the words "Please Help Me" just to see what the nosy neighbors will do.

   Wife : How I wish I was a newspaper so I would be in your hands all day.. Husband : Same here, I wish that you were a newspaper too so I could have a new one everyday!

   A pair of lovin couple went to a hotel one night. After finishin their ''business'', suddenly the guy saw a photo in his gf's wallet. ''Is that ur ex my dear? tell me pls cuz I don't mind about ur past'' ''Really? Good! that was me before the surgery(:

   I get so tired of the same old BS...can't I get a little BS variety?

   This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.

   I haven't seen a spider in the house in days.WHAT THE F*CK ARE THEY PLANNING?

   I just got kicked out of a casino for misunderstanding the use of a crap table

   If a girl's profile pic is a cropped close-up of the face, she is a porker.

   told that my Grandfather would never throw anything away! Not even that hand grenade he was holding just before he died.

   Finally, a funeral the Westboro Baptist Church can protest and no one will care about it...

   ✓ Adolf Hitler, ✓ Saddam Hussein, ✓ Osama Bin Laden, ☐ JUSTIN BIEBER

   what do you call a Chinese man with one leg ? Tye wun shu.

   If a girl says she's different from other girls 7 times out of 10 she's a transvestite...

   Now that Al-Qaida has officially declared that they will revenge Osama's death, can we see the goddamn pictures coz we already pissed them enough as it is. Might as well rub it in their faces..

   wonders why do some women think restrooms are the best place to take pictures. Look at me don't I look sexy by this big roll of toilet paper.

   Mother's day is a great time to let her know you're gay. P.S. She knows.

   or Sir Gnarles just got his invitation to the Royal Wedding today.... Damn snail mail...