Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just filled my bird-feeder with Mentos and my birdbath with Pepsi..........

   What is it about warm weather that compels people to blast really loud, annoying bass lines out of their car stereos? You can't even hear what song they're playing except for, "DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE! DOUCHE-DOUCHE DOOOOUCHE!"

   A lot of people make fun of the stuff Glenn Beck says. But don't forget he also has a really stupid face

   yo momma is so stupid..she placed a paper ontop of the t.v. and thought she was watchin paperview

   Doctor/Hosptial shows are all the same.. He's going into Cardiac Arrest! Commercial.. Oh wait it was only gas, He's having a Seizure! Commercial, Oh wait he was only masterbating."

   I'm glad people don't talk the way they spell, text, or type.

   rose scented air freshener and poop do not mix

   When your car is so crappy that your music makes it rattle like someone shaking a toaster, it's either time for a new car or to TURN THE CRAP DOWN.

   I sprayed a mosquito with mosquito repellent and now he'll never have any friends.

   I asked a friend, "how's your wife?" He answered, "compared to who?"

   I got an e-mail saying '"At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!" I'm thinking, that's just spam.

   We are born wet, naked, and hungry. Then things get worse

   It's bad enough when a friend says.."Hold my beer while I try this.."..but when your Doctor says that???

   Not all MODELS are necessarily sexy and attractive enough to shag

   If 10% is good enough for God, it should be enough for the IRS!

   I saw a charity appeal in the newspaper the other day, and it read “Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water”. And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.

   It's a sad situation when a fat girl does her best to lose weight only to discover that even with her new slim body, she is still unable to attract boys.

   i spent $1 at the bar last night......156 times!!!!!!

   knows if you like drunk girls in high heels, you may also be attracted to newborn ponies

   its sad when fat girls lose weight only to discover they dont have a pretty face.