Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The best thing about this weather is the short skirts & low cut tops......... Even if they do make me look gay!

   I just started an online dating site for Siamese twins....It's called "Connect 4!"

   The only thing worse than sitting on a cold toilet seat is sitting on a warm one.

   Trying to get the taste of Weed and Hooker Spit out of my mouth.

   I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

   Insanity is doing the same thing over & over again & expecting different results. In other words, I just logged into Facebook.

   You're the one who posted over a thousand pictures of yourself on-line, why does looking at them make me the weird one?

   I should learn how to swim... I'm missing 3/4 of the world...

   have you ever notices all the women who quote Marilynn Monroe, dont like nearly hot enough to be handled at their best, let alone their worst!!

   I am coming to grips with the statistical likelihood that I won't be winning tonight's Mega Millions®.

   My repunzle ended up being a b*tch in a costume...

   I wish I could collect all the tears you made me cry... so I could DROWN you in them!!

   When you have 1 kid ur a parent....when you have 2 ur a referee

   WOW! I knew you had bad intentions, but I never figured you to be a slut...

   Before sex, you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story: in life no one helps you once you're f***ed

   Am I the only one who sits in the car when it rains, picks a raindrop, and cheers for it to beat all the other ones to the bottom?

   I must be wishing on someone else's star because every time I wish for something, someone else gets it!

   I don't accept blame well, but it's not my fault.

   just gonna park my car at the pump until payday...

   Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.