Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you actually believe in this Doomsday & Rapture nonsense...Please gracefully delete yourself from my friend's list...Coz I am allergic to retards and idiots.

   Nuts on a wall: Walnuts. Nuts on a chest: Chesnuts. Nuts on a Chin: BJ

   I'm so sick of hearing about the rapture... Shut up already, if it happens we'll have all eternity to talk about it in he'll.

   Have you guys ever heard of the "SNUGGIE"? Well in fact, the Original "SNUGGIE" is from Mexico, it's called "The Pancho"

   Brooklyn Decker is either an ungodly hot supermodel, or a delicious, multi-tiered sandwich. You can't lose with a Brooklyn Decker.

   Dear Guys Named "Rhys" --Please tell us how it's pronounced already, or prepare to be known as "Buddy"

   I think I'd probably just pay for a Klondike bar.

   Auto correct is like having a 4 year old play mad-libs with your email.

   Barack Obama: The first black man in history to prove that he DID do the killing.

   dint realize Arnold was so lazy...Gawd the guy didnt even leave his house, to cheat on his wife..!

   I commit crimes to keep the cops earning a living...

   Why do I knowingly pick the bad choices in life. I know I'm going to pay for it in the end but it sure looks like its going to be fun in the mean time

   I'm not lazy. I vacuumed today. I believe vacuum is the scientific term for it...

   Im good at peeling potatoes and my cooking is terrible. I have always dreamed of working in a prison kitchen.

   : Dear Ex, Don't get your hopes up about the pics of us on Facebook. The reason why I haven't deleted some of the photos is purely because I look good in them.

   “... of that day and hour no one knows, not even the angels of heaven, nor the Son, but the Father alone.” Matthew 24:36..If God has not even revealed to his own son the date the world will end, I doubt he has revealed it to Harold Camping.

   My mother told me that when I was born I was so surprised that I didn't talk for a year an a half.

   the dance floor is a priviledge not a right

   I'm putting together a crew for the Rapture, Just booked 4 Penske trucks for Sunday. I'm still in need of 2 drivers and 8 laborers. Meet me at the Wal-Mart parking lot at 6:00 AM Saturday, a BBQ will follow

   : Have you ever been the only sober person in a roomful of drunk people? ... Me neither.