Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've never fully accepted or mastered many of the key elements of being a grown up.

   My Born Again Christian friend with the Porsche is wondering why I've been following him around all morning........

   Would you be freaked out if I told you that I was updating this from inside your closet?

   Feel the pain of 9.99999 Karma points *smack*

   FYI... 1st person to complain about the heat this summer, will be deleted from my friends list, ohhhh & if I see you out in public--I'll slap ur face...

   Just got hit on by a decent looking guy working at Ralphs... He ended up asking 4 my # & I said,"Oh & 2 packs of parliament lights & I'll b paying w my food stamp card." Turns out, no decent looking dude wants to date a 2 pack a day,low income poor woman?

   Apocalypse Tip: When you become a Zombie, stay clear of Washington D.C, no brains will be found there.

   It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel fine.

   I would rather soak my berry's in maple syrup and sit on an ant hill than diddle Arnold Swartzenegger's baby momma!

   apperently the world is ending today.....just got my surf gear ready....just in case that tsunami decides to come.....have to ride that shyt before I die :D......LOL

   hoping his wife is taken during the rapture.

   It's Friday, Friday Gotta get down on Friday Everybody's lookin' forward to the weekend....no.....no not all

   So apparently I'm getting judged on the weekend... like how I get judged by human beings everyday... including my mother.... and my mother is much more scary....

   It's great having a JOB that leaves me Just Over Broke.

   Children are the gift that keeps on taking...

   Apparently, Bin Laden had a 25 million dollar price tag on his head. What kind of ridiculous, designer turban was he wearing?

   Three things I cannot do: (1) pass up a piece of cake, (2) say "rural" and (3) open a can of biscuits without yelling when it pops.

   the phone in the guy's hand next to me rang, it sounded like my alarm clock, I yelled f**k and smacked it out of his hand on pure reflex

   As long as there is enough liquor to drink the apocalypse won't bother me.

   I can't breath through my nose, I'm in a perpetual state of sneeze, my eyes are watery, there is something crawling on my back and up my leg!!! OMG I love Spring!!!