Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If they EVER put a DUI checkpoint at a Taco Bell drive-thru, it's safe to say we're all screwed.

   "Why did you just take my Napkin? I wasn't done with MY napkin..I had a special bond with that napkin... Don't give me a new napkin!..I don't know this NAPKIN! This Napkins a damn stranger!

   Would buy a big dog and pay a midget to ride it

   What gets longer when pulled, fits between a women's boobs, inserts neatly in a hole and works best when jerked hard?...A SEAT BELT

   All them damn rich people carry around small dogs... When I am rich I'm gonna carry a midget!!!

   Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

   that awkward moment when the majority of people think your status is stupid.

   I'd keep playing. I don't think the heavy stuff will come down for a while.

   That awkward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   My super power is to slap people upside the head when they need it most. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.

   Today... I'm opening up a Battered Shrimp Shelter... in my stomach.

   When I push the soap dispenser and it's empty I usually pretend it wasn't and wash my hands with the ghost soap that came out.

   Its gotta suck to be a band like Heart and have your hit songs be on commercials like Swiffer dust and mop

   I find it hard to sing the Beach Boys without using my "girl" voice.

   Promises are like babies: fun to make, but hell to deliver.

   Dear Dominos Pizza, gotta question. After I rate your food directly on the box do you review the results from my garbage can?

   If I bet a hooker $100 that she can't make me cum...is that gambling or prostitution?

   The following sentence is true: The previous sentence is false. (

   was completely offended, but then you said "no offense," so now everything's cool.

   My wife: you wanna watch Glee? Me: you know, I'd love to but I was gonna drink battery acid and teabag a poison ivy bush..