Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   •Some people say "If you can't beat them, join them". I say "If you can't beat them, beat them", because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.

   The funny thing about life is, it can change your worst problem into the funniest joke. It just needs time.

   If the world's a stage, maybe some of us should get off.

   That moment of panic when you clog someone else's toilet and you realize that don't have a plunger in the bathroom!!

   The question isn't "Will Sarah Palin run in 2012?", it's "Who will be President in 2014 when she quits?"..

   Its better to have a long distance relationship as phone calls are cheaper than fuel prices

   Oh, there's so much nudity on TV, I just sit there shaking my fist.

   I'm a little disappointed.. I set three boobytraps last night and didn't catch any!

   Loving my new underwear...at least somethings gripping my ass

   Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.

   If you are talking behind my back you are in a great position to kiss my a@s

   When girls or any women ask you "What?" In reply, it isnt cause they didnt hear you. Its because they giving you a CHANCE to CHANGE what you just said.

   Snookie is so small and orange she works part time as a highway traffic cone!

   "God has a sense of humor. Don't believe me?... go to Walmart and just look at people."

   I only date Calendars.

   I wish some people could just look at there own true colors of there character and see what an ugly picture they are painting with it.

   One skin,Two skin,Three skin,Fore skin.....wait a minute...........

   What do you call a vegetarian lesbian? A woman who REALLY hates meat!

   Ever see someone in a hurry and they do that last little mad dash to their final destination? How much time does that save.....2.3 seconds?

   There █████ █ ████ is ███ █ no █████ █ ████ problem █ ████ █████ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ██