santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and sh!t.

   TIP! Never wear a Santa hat with a jingle bell at the tip when trying to secretly jerk off in the women's bathroom stalls.

   My favourite Christmas gift was a 24-pack of high-quality socks. I have worn them all already and now I'm depressed and in withdrawal.

   hors d'oevures now there is a word that snooty people like to use regularly, most of us just say "snacks" and we survive the holidays just fine.

   Has the NORAD Santa tracker stopped working? It says he's been at the Cheetahs Club in NYC for the past 48 hours.

   I want to see if I can make it 2 full days before Santa puts me back on the "bad boys" list again this year, where I belong. So I'm going to wait til tomorrow before I go back to my normal status updates.

   I always thought my dad was great when I was growing up, he always got so pissed off every year when santa didnt bring me presents. I felt so lucky to be his son.

   So its the day after christmas. boxing day for some; discount shopping to others; toilet blow out day for all who stuff the sh*t out of there bellys at that family member house! Good luck and hang in there.

   Christmas is a good time to realize that not all your family are relatives, and not all your relatives are family.

   Kids complaining they didn't get an iPhone for Christmas or got one in the wrong color is exactly why other countries hate us.

   The Day After Christmas Diet: Breakfast: Leftover lasagne Lunch: Leftover lasagne Dinner: Leftover lasagne Dessert: Leftover lasagne Beverage: Pureed leftover lasagne

   Call me old-fashioned but I think the best part about Christmas is having your fist inside a 28-pound flightless bird.

   I don't t take my Christmas Tree down...I smoke it.

   I think I've had enough of the Christmas Spirit. The room is starting to spin...

   I got a Shake Weight for Christmas. I'm going to try strapping it to my pen!s.

   I wonder what would happen if I burn the tip of this branch on my Christmas tree? WHOOOOFFF

   I just want a Christmas like we used to have with all of us together pretending we're enjoying it.

   Christmas - when loved ones visit to celebrate someone born in a barn but complain that your sofabed's uncomfortable.

   Merry Christmas! Or as my grandma always says, "there are whispers coming from the poinsettia again."

   For Christmas I gave myself an obscene amount of vodka. I'm so thoughtful.