Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   was excited this morning when I received an email with a subject line of "Beaver" and an attached pic. My excitement was crushed when I opened it only to discover it was a picture of an actual beaver.

   Sometimes it's hard to know know what to say to cheer someone up who's going through a rough patch in their life. Turns out letting them stare at my cleavage is enough.

   As a woman, I will always feel judged when buying a cucumber.

   Why is a strike in bowling a good thing, but a strike in baseball is bad? I guess sports really do mirror real life...how you play the game all depends on the size of your balls.

   Whenever I see the phrase "unforeseen circumstances", my brain ALWAYS reads "unforeskinned circumcision" instead. Just for that split second. I don't know why, it just does.

   : Imagine the great things in a person's character you would miss out on if you limited yourself to a list of things you are looking for in a person.

   Twitter makes me love people I've never met and Facebook makes me hate people I know in real life.

   There's a new way to transfer funds that's even faster than electronic banking. It's called marriage.

   In 50 years, a bunch of 80 year-olds will know all the words to The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song.

   If you don't like my sense of humor please tell me… so I can laugh at you!

   saw a roach crawling at home while eating, and didnt think anything of it. Saw a dead roach in the restroom at O'Charleys and raised hell!!!!

   Justin Beiber on the CMT's is like Rosa Parks at a Klan rally!!

   I just wanna be friends to but with just your va jj.

   'm so afraid to tweet. What if ankle X-ray gets in hands of unintended recipient like dermatologist? Do I resign? And if so, from what?

   I can hear Wiener's pick-up line....."My bologna has a first name....

   Hard to believe there's another little Weiner on the way I'm thinking "Oscar Meyer" has a certain schwing to it.......

   Weiner's wife is pregnant! Didn't know that was possible on twitter! From now on I'm wearin a condom when I tweet!

   The only thing that could make this Weiner story more perfect is if it turns out to be Arnold Schwarzenegger's baby....

   OMG!!! Anthony Weiner's wife is pregnant. Talk about a weiner working overtime....

   I think TN's temperature has finally reached Lava°F ...ugh! It's like breathing soup!