Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just asked a guy at the Mac Store if the iPhone 5 will come with an app that makes AT&T not suck.

   FACT: When a woman feels like her emotions are being played with.............She becomes the FBI...

   "We Built This City on Slave Labor and Freemason Secrets" - Thomas Jefferson Starship.

   PAY DAY: A day when I never feel like working....CHECK PLEASE!

   Headline on TMZ: "SHOCKING Nude Photos of Paris Hilton Leaked.” Seriously TMZ, if you really want to shock us, try leaking some photos of Paris reading a book

   When at a meeting when the boss says "anyone have any suggestions?" Don't say "inappropriate touch Tuesday"...trust me

   Wave your hands in the air, if a bee is right there.

   Why is it so hard to find a soothsayer in this day and age?!

   its come to my attention its been sometime since many of you have brought the noise/and or funk

   (last one I promise) - LaBron James will publish his autobiography as soon as he can come up with a TITLE

   My girlfriend had auto correct long before iPhone.

   My girl says I'm too nosey... at least, that's what she wrote in her diary.

   Attention jobless people on Facebook....You are no longer allowed to mention "Hump Day", "TGIF" or "Can't wait for the weekend!" or anything else that implies you have to work then have days off to relax.

   Responsible. Who wants to be responsible? Whenever anything bad happens, it's always "Who's responsible for this?"

   Doesn't feel bad for Hugh Hefner one bit and never will.

   Really listened to "Freebird" last night. The guy is a bird you can't change. He's an unchangeable bird. And there's a guitar solo. Classic.

   If you refuse to argue, you automatically win the argument.

   I would have emailed sooner, but my cat ate my mouse.

   A smile is like tight underwear…it makes your cheeks go up.

   I need to either get a new air conditioner or move into my refrigerator.