Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I felt special… until I saw you talk to every other guy like that.

   Wow, I just heard Lady GaGa has hired people to find the remains of Bin Laden, she needs somthing to wear in her next video

   It's what people don't know about each other that makes them such good friends.

   Commitment doesn't scare me, the thought of committing to the wrong person does.

   Every time I see these college/university commercials on TV, the my brain just keeps screaming (SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAM!, SCAAAAAAM!)

   I wonder if they have a minute of silence at a mime's funeral?

   I don't see anything wrong with walking around my house naked. My neighbors however, keep yelling at me to go back inside. HATERS!!!

   I got a new job with the local hostage negotiators and tried to phone in sick but the ba$tards talked me out of it.

   Next time you use the bathroom, take your pants off, hang them over the side of the stall and randomly shout out "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" Let people know you mean business!

   I like to write a bunch of nonsense on Facebook walls when I'm drunk and announce the next day that my account was hacked.

   I wonder if we're "homed people" to them...

   It's not my fault that my phone is more interesting than you.

   wonders why other peoples dumps smell worse then your own.

   says As a young child Bell, Biv, Devoe taught me the most important life lesson----Never trust a big butt and a smile....that girl is poison

   Back in my day there were only 151 Pokémon...

   Every girl wants to be the one that makes a player quit the game. But sometimes that's like being the zebra that wants to turn a lion into a vegetarian.

   So, I'm single again, this time with no intentions of looking for another girl, this time I'm letting her find me.

   you can always tell if there's a police car in our area... Everyone in our street flushes their toilets at the same time!

   I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

   Lets cut to the chase here...How much will it cost me to get laid around here?