Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "You jam yourself inside me, tie me up and cover me in filth only to toss me aside when you're through with me." - My sneakers

   Men see what women do, but they never know what women think while they are doing it.

   Yes I admit, I pee in the shower. There is a drain and running water. Why not?

   Fellaz, when a woman offers you gum, it means she want to kiss you later. Don't take it as an insult, just take the gum.

   Do yall have any idea how many holes there would be if we just started taking the dirt of them??

   ME: "I wanted to marry you but my family members refused: HER: "Who are they to deny our love?" ME: "My wife and 2 kids"

   Happy Tuesday ❤═════❤JUNE 21st ❤═════❤the Longest Day of the Year✿◠‿◠) Hope you are having an amazing day✿◠‿◠)

   After several hours of intense negotiating at the car dealership, I'm happy to say that I'm the proud owner of a 30ft. inflatible Gorilla...Yeah baby.....

   Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

   Why do people post that they are cleaning their home on Facebook? Everybody cleans their home so the fact that you are too is not special...What do you want, a cookie?

   INSTALLING SUMMER ... ███████████████░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░░ 60% DONE. Install delayed....please wait. Installation failed. Please try again when the rain has passed.

   The only differance between slavery and modern day is that now they don't have too work for their keep

   Today's weather in Cali....hotter then 5 fat girls in a min cooper with no a/c

   chugging scalding Hot Lava just to cool off....

   When asked by reporters what he had planned to do on his wedding, Heff said he planned to watch a movie, runaway bride because it seemed appropriate.Really? I guess so. I would have thought A Weekend at Bernie's or Cocoon. :P .

   Famous Marilyn Monroe dress sold for $4.6 million. I bet Joe DiMaggio sent more shots against that dress than the wall at Yankee Stadium!

   She asked me to make her feel special so I gave her a helmet and crayons.

   first day of summer and longest day of the year. Will this day ever end!

   I hate when you play Call of Duty before bed and then you toss and turn all night dreaming about playing. I was so tired this morning that I thought I needed a Claymore by the bathroom door when getting into the shower.

   My Life: Find out who's looking for you online for free! Ummm...guess they haven't heard of FB?